6132-danawhiteufc83postAs with all things meant to be kept a secret, someone tells a friend in confidence and eventually it is headline news.

It is no different when it comes to the UFC and their upcoming July 31st press conference where Dana White has promised to announce “a lot of crazy things”.

Once again I have been able to obtain a sneak preview of the events that are planned and indeed there are some items on the list that have me equal parts aghast, shocked and appalled.

To my loyal readers, if you promise to keep it a secret, I share the contents of the announcements that are planned for the 31st:

Kimo is dead, again. He was found snoring in a hotel room and when we yelled “Kimo, get up” he didn’t stir and as a result, we are immediately and formally notifying his family and friends that he is dead

– You all knew it was coming – Fedor is in the UFC for a two fight deal. He is going to fight Cro Cop right now while we continue this media briefing and then he is going to fight Brock Lesnar for the UFC Heavyweight title. We at the UFC apologize to Cro Cop for removing Al-Turk at the last minute and replacing him with Fedor, it was an honest mistake.

GSP and Anderson Silva are going to main event UFC110 in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. (Editor’s note: Make it happen Dana.)

– Now, we turn the microphone over to Michael Bisping for a few words. “Mphm, muzmurr, bangers and mash.”

Tito Ortiz is back in the UFC provided he can announce his own fight

Brock Lesnar has agreed as part of his punishment related to his UFC100 post fight interview comments that he will no longer speak. That includes outside of the octagon. Consider him a giant wresting mute. Should you miss his witty banter, you can safely insert something idiotic that you come up with on your own – combined with a lot of saliva

There is a lot more to share but I don’t want to steal all of Dana’s thunder.

This just in – Kimo appears to be moving around a bit.